if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
