then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
