I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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