When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
