Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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