So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
