when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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