I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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