bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
