Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
