i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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