Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
