he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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