Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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