1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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