My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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