found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
