There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i think i have herpe
just one?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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