I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
