Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
