you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
