I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
