I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
