Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
