he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
