Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
