they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
