In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I cut my penus on the lid.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
