You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize