having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
