You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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