Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
