There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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