i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
