haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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