a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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