Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
