Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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