I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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