I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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