I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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