i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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