i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
