matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
50% drunk capacity currently
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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