you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I came so hard my ears popped.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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