Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
