i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
