I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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