we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
