According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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