i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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