I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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