what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
