I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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