I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im part way to drunk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
